One of the thrills of being Bi Polar is that you get the highs of highs but alongside the low of lows.
I wish I could count the number of times I was euphoric with sleepless nights, countless business ideas, calling friends with incohertent speech, dancing like a tornado and just wondering how I can bottle this power and energy.
Unfortunately I could not to which led onto a slow decline of a depression to which I could not move, get up from a sitting position and led me to sleep more than 15 hours a day.
Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy not only to me but my whole family and friends to who got to experience these swings first hand.
This would continue on for years and dare I say decades until I sought help as I began to realize that these mood swings were not normal and had destroyed relationships, job opportunities and my health.
The highs of being in a cycle were like free falling and nothing could hurt me.
No idea was a bad idea.
I did not need to sleep. I was the almighty.
My incoherent calls to friends and family (at all times) made sense to myself and who cared what others thought.
Spending money I didn’t have was ok because I would get it back through some force of nature.
I was invincible. I was part of the X-Men and had super powers that no one else had…..I was The Chosen One (as I have tattoed on my knucles). …but guess what. That was all bullshit.
Once I came down from the peak of this mountain top there would be a lull of a couple of weeks as to where everything would normalize itself in the valley. …but then the ground would fall out from underneath itself and I would stumble towards the gates of a depression that would not let go of its grasp on me; no matter how hard I fought.
Everything was a negative.
Everyone was against me.
Sleep was my friend.
Thoughts of running away were always present, but never a thought of suicide as I am wired to fight and never give up. It felt like I was fighting this constant battle against myself with no winner and no outcome to be seen and this was my destiny. I was to be forever in a whirlpool of a battle of thoughts and emotions that would eventually exhaust me to a point of no return.
As I mentioned, suicide was not an option, but my body and mind giving out on me was always on my mind considering I am diabetic and due to the circumstances would some times not play by its rules. So where do I stand today?
Better. The medications I am on (seroquel and valrpoic acid) have definately helped the cycling but it sometimes rears its ugly ahead as a unicyle.
When this happens I now have the tools in place alongside friends and family who can lend me there support as they have a better understanding of what I am going through and are able to help and react accordingly.
So, where am I at today in this exact moment? Half away in my Mental Health Journey in positive frame of mind.
Will I ever come to the end of this Marathon? I don’t and I don’t actually think so. …but for someone who loves adventures, OMG this has been the ride of my life.
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Have a PHENOMENAL day.